no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.