a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
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I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.