tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
