I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
