not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
