How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
