Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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