my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
