I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
