the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
