Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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