my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
