You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
