My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
