life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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