My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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