Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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