pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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