I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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