I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
