Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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