Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
