I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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