Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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