I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
