Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
