I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
