you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
