opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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