when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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