he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
