the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
