i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
