Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if only i could text you this smell
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
