I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
