i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
