i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
