im drinking this country out of the recession.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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