Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
