Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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