cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
