before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
