I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
