Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize