The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
