I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
