did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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