Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
