Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize