my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
