a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
