i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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