yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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