it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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