I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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