I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What a dumb baby whore.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
