I can't breathe out the right side of my face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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