i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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