I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
