I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
