This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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